Has your partner confessed and told you that they have been having an affair? Are you now faced with a dilemma? Should you forgive, learn to trust them again and continue with the relationship?
Betrayal rocks the very heart of a relationship. The deceit and lies are hard to bear. Infidelity calls everything into question and steals the foundations of what you thought was solid in the relationship: the capacity to love and trust, and faith in our judgement. We feel safe and secure with our partner; we believe in who we are and what we believe we had.
How does one move on and recover from the pain of disloyalty? Only you can make that decision. Do you let your heart rule your head, or your head rule your heart?
If the perpetrator displays remorse, realises that they have made a tremendous mistake and wants to make the marriage work, and you do too, then I recommend the following steps.
The questions will start with Why, Who, What, When, Where and How. Communication is key to being able to move forward and repair the wall that has fallen down around you. It can be a turning point at which you decide to grow separately and together and reconnect in a way that is stronger and tenable. It will take a lot of commitment and complete honesty from both of you.
Give yourself the time and space to assimilate what has occurred. In addition, request that your partner respectfully stays somewhere else temporarily to give you the opportunity to reflect.
Pride and stoicism may prevent you from talking to family or friends, however this won’t help in the long run. Open up to someone you trust, otherwise it’s a heavy load to carry on your own. Internalising our feelings can also have a detrimental effect on our health. Suppressing these feelings only results in them coming out at a later date.
Speak to a divorce coach to help you cope with the minefield of emotions. Avoid burying your head in the sand and face your fears. Remember that you are a person in your own right and fully deserving of a relationship which fulfils your needs as well as your partner’s. A successful relationship is one in which partners have a mutual respect for each other and neither party takes the other for granted.
By Paula Crowhurst – Polly Bloom Divorce & Separation Coach